December 2011
1 post
WatchNot an ode or a rant but here’s a short film I wrote with the very talented director Jason Wishnow.
A love story between a grown-up girl and a mysterious friend from her childhood (plus a case against moving in with your parents). Starring Heather Burns, Ajay Naidu, Beth Grant, Michael Chieffo, and Miles Fisher.
July 2011
1 post
An ode to Game of Thrones
SPOILER ALERT: If you haven’t read Game of Thrones or seen the first season, this post contains major spoilers. Also, I refer to the series throughout as Game of Thrones rather than A Song of Ice and Fire ‘cause it’s just easier.
This post is an ode to Game of Thrones, but more specifically, it is an ode to a very specific plot point and its significance — the killing of Ned Stark.
One...
June 2011
1 post
A rant against The Killing season finale
What. The. Fuck.
May 2011
4 posts
A rant against MoMA
By Annabelle, 2011, via www.curiositycounts.com
I went to MoMA and…
Saw a coat closet trash and two water fountains I’m very disappointed I did not see a dinosour you call your self a museum!
An ode to the internet
By Douglas Adams, 1999, via www.douglasadams.com (originally titled, “How to Stop Worrying and Love the Internet”)
A couple of years or so ago I was a guest on Start The Week, and I was authoritatively informed by a very distinguished journalist that the whole Internet thing was just a silly fad like ham radio in the fifties, and that if I thought any different I was really a...
A rant against The Alchemist
By Steve R., 2005, via Amazon.com (originally titled “quasi-religious, psuedo-inspirational, seriously inane drivel”)
Contrived. Pretentious. Juvenile. That’s just the introduction, in which the author discusses his amazement at the popularity this book has gained. It is equally astonishing for any reader who is able to endure more than five pages of: “The Soul of the...
An ode to our former love
By bbandslim, to Internet Scammer, 2011
A Scammer Hacked my high school Friend’s facebook account and asked me for money. I asked for love in return. And got it. Transcript below. If she really is stranded in London, I feel real bad about this.
m (scammer): Hello, how are you doing???
lj: hey how are you
m: not good at the moment
lj: oh no whatsup
m: my family and i went...
April 2011
10 posts
An ode to the talkers
By Gilbert Sorrentino, 1962 (excerpt from “The Meeting”)
He said he could give up everything except he could not give up anything when the test was made of him. He is a quiet man, I used to mistake that for strength when I was younger.. I mistook it for solidity and thought all stronger men were silent. I have always talked too much, and hated it in myself. But what is speech but the...
A rant against everyone and everything
By Unknown Angry Person, 2008 (originally posted at craigslist - http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/649999147.html)
I don’t care what colour you are. I don’t care where you’re from. I don’t care what you do for a living. I don’t care what class you are, how you dress, what you smoke or drink or who you know or whom you’ve fucked. I hate you all. I...
An ode to April
By Diana Churchill, 2011 (originally posted at Savannah Morning News - http://savannahnow.com/column/2011-04-05/birder-ode-april)
If, heaven forbid, I had to limit my bird watching to a single month each year, it could only be April. For starters, you can’t beat April for bird song. This is the time when male birds throw caution to the wind, loudly announcing their presence in an all-out...
A rant against Mr. Wonderful
by Hulk Hogan, 1987
Two people so close as you and I, man. Like blood brothers. I can’t believe you sold me out for nothing. You sold me out over jealousy. But when I look around, I see a few confused people. Some of your people, man. The ones that aren’t Hulkamaniacs. Well for those people let me lay it out straight for you. Some straight talk. God created the Heaven. He created the Earth. He...
A rant against Angry Birds
By Chris Schilling, 2011 (originally posted at http://www.eurogamer.net/articles/2011-04-04-why-i-hate-angry-birds-opinion)
The dumbing down of society continues unabated. We live in a world where irredeemable pap like The Black Eyed Peas’ “The Time (Dirty Bit)” tops the charts, where Peaches Geldof not only has a career but is paid to appear on telly and, like, talk about...
An ode to Rebecca Black's "Friday," Part II
In Part 1 of my seven part series “An Ode to Rebecca Black’s Friday” I discussed the appeal of Black’s pure and heartfelt approach to the mundane. Now that “Friday” has reached 100,000,000 hits on YouTube, it’s time for further exploration into what makes “Friday” so special. “Friday” has recently been treated to a number of comedic deconstructions of its lyrics. Rebecca Black herself recorded...
An ode to selfless service
by Martin Luther King Jr., 1968 (excerpt from “The Drum Major Instinct”)
If you want to be important, wonderful.
If you want to be recognized, wonderful.
If you want to be great, wonderful.
But recognize that he who is greatest among you shall be your servant. That’s the new definition of greatness.
And this morning, the thing that I like about it: by giving that ...
A rant against Batman
In the eternal debate between Superman vs. Batman — who would win, who’s better, who would you rather be, who would you rather sleep with — it’s pretty clear that Batman has won the coolness war theses days, even if Superman would obviously kick his ass, The Dark Knight Returns be damned. After all, Batman is complicated and brooding. He’s got a dark past and no powers, which makes...
An ode to Kevin Smith
By Sara Benincasa, 2011 (originally posted as “What Kevin Smith Taught Me” at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sara-benincasa/what-kevin-smith-taught-m_b_816047.html)
When I was a freshman in college, a chain-smoking film student I befriended declared that we must attend a midnight showing of filmmaker Kevin Smith’s Catholic extravaganza Dogma. I agreed because I thought the kid...
A rant against James Fenimore Cooper
By Mark Twain, 1895 (unabridged rant, “Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Offenses,” at http://etext.virginia.edu/railton/projects/rissetto/offense.html)
It seems to me that it was far from right for the Professor of English Literature at Yale, the Professor of English Literature in Columbia, and Wilkie Collins to deliver opinions on Cooper’s literature without having read some...
March 2011
17 posts
An ode to my brother
By Sarah Kay, 2009
Brother,
You jaywalked your way out of the womb I would recognize you anywhere from the hiccup in your swagger Tell me where in the world did you find all that thunder?
There have never been any seat belts on your side of the car You have always known the better magic tricks You told me once that I was just the first draft And I’m inclined to believe you But you came with a...
A rant against Glee
It’s taken me a long time to admit this to myself, but I can no longer deny the truth.
I am in an abusive relationship with Glee.
As with most such relationships, ours started off with so much promise and hope. You quickly wooed me with your talent and your heart, your story of small town misfits finding the courage to express themselves and strive for more. And what girl doesn’t like a...
An ode to the brain
by Symphony of Science, 2011 (featuring Carl Sagan, Robert Winston, Vilayanur Ramachandran, Jill Bolte Taylor, Bill Nye, and Oliver Sacks)
It’s amazing to consider That I am holding in my hands The place where someone once felt, thought and loved
(L-l-loved-l-l-loved)
For centuries, scientists have been battling to understand What this unappealing object is all about
(What the object...
An ode to myself / A rant against the haters
By Comic Sans, 2010, originally posted as “I’m Comic Sans, Asshole” by Mike Lacher at http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/monologues/15comicsans.html
Listen up. I know the shit you’ve been saying behind my back. You think I’m stupid. You think I’m immature. You think I’m a malformed, pathetic excuse for a font. Well think again, nerdhole, because I’m...
A rant against the state of the world / An ode to...
By Howard Beale, 1976, Network
I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s a depression. Everybody’s out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel’s worth; banks are going bust; shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter; punks are running wild in the street, and there’s nobody...
A rant against my clients
By Unknown Public Defender, 2009, originally posted on http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/1140769884.html
First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.
You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say...
An ode to Hideaki Akaiwa
by toliveanddieinlondon, 2011
This is Hideaki Akaiwa. When the Tsunami hit his home town of Ishinomaki, Hideaki was at work. Realising his wife was trapped in their home, he ignored the advice of professionals, who told him to wait for the army to arrive to provide search and rescue.
Instead he found some scuba gear, jumped in the raging torrent - dodging cars, houses and other debris...
A rant against UPS
I hate you UPS. I really, really hate you. I sit around all day waiting for your package, and then you have the gall to tell me that you made a failed delivery attempt. You’re a fucking liar. We both know that you did not buzz my apartment. And it’s not like this is the first time this has happened. I think you take some sick twisted pleasure in making me trek out to post-apocalyptic...
A rant against the mall being closed
by Unknown Toronto Man, 2010
(banging doors)
Why are you closed? Tell us why you’re closed. Tell us why you’re closed.
Why, why, why are you closed? I want to go shopping in the Eaton Centre. Why are you locked? Why are you closing your doors?
Why are you locking your doors to the public? Why? Tell us the reason, why? Why?
(banging doors)
Tell us the reason. Tell us the reason why. Why are...
An ode to Rebecca Black's "Friday"
Unless you’re over 50 or don’t use the internet, by now you’ve heard Rebecca Black’s “Friday,” declared by many to be the worst music video of all time. However, the fault for this can’t rest on the music itself, which, though uninspiring, is undeniably catchy. After listening to the song exactly two times, I had it stuck in my head for two days. The video has received knocks for its...
A rant against "Nice Guy Rants"
by “Armed Housewife,” 2007, originally posted at http://armedhousewife.blogspot.com/2007/07/rant-against-nice-guy-rants-and-some.html
On Monday, I read a “Nice Guy Rant” on the myspace page of a friend. It was one of those charming missives that are posted and reposted by bitter young men, ending with the instructions, “If you agree with this, repost it as...
An ode to the nice guys
By Fu-Zu Jen, 2003, originally posted at http://www.stwing.upenn.edu/~jenf/writing/rant04.html
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain...
An ode to the Republicans trying to defund NPR
by Rep. Anthony Weiner, 2011
Crisis averted, ladies and gentlemen, what a relief.
What a relief, I’m glad we got the economy back going, I’m glad we’ve secured our nuclear power plants, I’m so glad the Americans are back to work. We finally found out our problem. We discovered a target we can all agree upon…
It’s these guys! This is the problem,...
A rant against L.A.
by Dominique Ferrari, 2005, originally posted at http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/64768914.html
Fuck you LA, and the BMW you rode in on. This is it. The last straw. There have been other last straws, too many to count in fact, but this is really, really it. I have spent 2 years in this godforsaken metropolis testing my tolerance for the intolerable and I have finally given up - I hate...
A rant against The Social Network
Before I begin my rant, let me start by saying I’m actually an Aaron Sorkin fan. Sports Night is one of my all time favorite shows, and the first couple of seasons of West Wing rank up there. So I don’t have anything against him or his style of dialogue and writing. I simply think The Social Network is a terrible fucking movie. The most glaring problem is that Mark...
A rant against rants
Enough with the rants already. I get it — you hate hipsters or Darren Aranofsky or consumerism or whatever. But why do we have to hear about it? Has there ever been a more pointless exercise than the rant? No one’s mind is ever changed by a rant. No one sees a guy ranting and says, “Hey, that guy really knows what’s up.” A rant is just an exercise in narcissism, a masterbatory excuse to...
An ode to rants
Is there anything more glorious than a rant?! The way as conviction builds, the words tumble out, driven by the perfect blend of passion and reason. A ranter rants for the sake of the rant, not for any end. A rant is pure expression. A barbaric yawp sounding over the roofs of the world.
To rant takes courage. It takes conviction. The ranter is the one who takes a position regardless of...
